Well, the doctor's visit was yesterday. I have to say, I'm feeling pretty okay about things...not great, but okay. The doctor thinks, based on my clinical symptoms, that I have some form of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). We'll know more when we do some blood testing throughout my cycle, but it's looking like that's what I have. Basically, PCOS is a problem where your pancreas makes too much insulin because your body isn't processing it correctly. This, in turn, makes your testosterone levels rise and your estrogen and progesterone levels decrease, thus causing fertility problems. There are treatments to be done for it. One I'm already doing, taking better care of myself by eating well, trying to lose weight, and exercising. There is also a medication, actually a diabetes medication, that we'll be trying as well.
Speaking of weight loss...I lost another two pounds this last week! That puts my grand total from when I started on January 5 up to 10 pounds. It's so exciting. Hopefully I can keep things up. I'm doing my part of it, making sure to eat right, making sure to get to the gym, etc. Hopefully that continues to work.
As for me, I had a good cry last night. I'm sure there will be more tears in the future. My tears were not necessarily because of this diagnosis...I had suspicions of it before we even went to the doctor...it was more the fact that I even had to go down this road. Right now, I'm doing okay, but I'm sure I'll have good days and bad days. I know with continued faith in the Lord I can make it through. I really hope that a baby is at the end of all of this, but if there isn't, I'm incredibly lucky to have Ethan.
Now, we're looking forward, inducing a cycle, getting blood tests, doing the glorious glucose test (blah), and starting new medications. At the end of this, I'll at least be healthier than I am now, and that's always a good thing.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Road Ahead
Have you ever been on a path in life afraid to move forward? Right now, that's where I am. I'm living unaware of what is going on within my body. I know the symptoms and I know the consequences, but as of Monday, I'll know what is going on...and to be honest, that scares me a little.
On Monday, I'm going in to the (DUN, DUN, DUN) reproductive endocrinologist, which is just fancy talk for...hormone doctor. There are symptoms I'm having, I know, as a result of my hormones being out of whack...the least of which is weird sweating and a sudden goatee...okay it's not that bad, but you know what I mean. Also, this hormone imbalance, I believe, is the root cause of me not being able to get pregnant over the last 15 months.
Infertility can really be a touchy subject. I've never been bitter about it, but I've been angry sometimes. I don't get angry with people, I'm more angry about the fact that I even have to go down this road. It comes and goes. As of right now, I'm pretty much at peace with it. I have a hard time every now and then, but if having another child is not in the cards for me, I'm okay with that. I'm happy with Ethan and our little family.
Sometimes when people are in my "situation" they get what Liz lovingly refers to as "baby rage." Basically, they get mad at anyone who is pregnant or has recently just had a baby because that person has what they want and can't have. I've actually heard of this a lot in talking with people. I've heard of friends and family members being afraid to tell others that they're pregnant because they don't want to hurt the "baby rager's" feelings or incur their wrath. I've personally never been that way. When I find out someone is pregnant, which happens a lot with people I know because of my age, I'm genuinely happy for them...and just a teensy tiny bit sad for me. I'd be lying if I said otherwise...and we all know everyone tells the truth on the Internet.
Personally, I know it's not my time to have a child right now. If that time never comes for me, then I'll be sad, but it will be okay. How could I miss out on Ethan's wonderful little heart by sulking in something that I couldn't change? How could I miss out on his little quirks like adopting his Mega Blocks construction worker guy as his "baby" or him telling me that his blankets "really aren't working" when he gets them tangled up? I couldn't do that to him or to me. Why miss out on something so wonderful. He'll only be this little once.
So, on Monday, I go in to this appointment. I'm hoping they'll at least tell me they can fix me or make the symptoms go away. If I get pregnant, so be it. It's such a relief to let go of that control, or percieved control, that I thought I had over this whole thing. It's in God's hands now. He sent me a beautiful little boy who I'm so grateful for (yes, even when he's making me crazy...okay maybe not in that moment but in reflection later). How could I cheapen that gift by worrying about something that I can't do anything about.
For those women out there who are pregnant right now, I'm so happy for you. You're bringing a little one into this world. You get to help guide and direct him, you get to enjoy him, but most of all you get to love him.
As for me, I'll keep my fingers crossed that they can find out what's wrong with my hormone levels. At least then I'll have an answer...not sure if I want one, that's kind of scary, but I think it will be good.
On Monday, I'm going in to the (DUN, DUN, DUN) reproductive endocrinologist, which is just fancy talk for...hormone doctor. There are symptoms I'm having, I know, as a result of my hormones being out of whack...the least of which is weird sweating and a sudden goatee...okay it's not that bad, but you know what I mean. Also, this hormone imbalance, I believe, is the root cause of me not being able to get pregnant over the last 15 months.
Infertility can really be a touchy subject. I've never been bitter about it, but I've been angry sometimes. I don't get angry with people, I'm more angry about the fact that I even have to go down this road. It comes and goes. As of right now, I'm pretty much at peace with it. I have a hard time every now and then, but if having another child is not in the cards for me, I'm okay with that. I'm happy with Ethan and our little family.
Sometimes when people are in my "situation" they get what Liz lovingly refers to as "baby rage." Basically, they get mad at anyone who is pregnant or has recently just had a baby because that person has what they want and can't have. I've actually heard of this a lot in talking with people. I've heard of friends and family members being afraid to tell others that they're pregnant because they don't want to hurt the "baby rager's" feelings or incur their wrath. I've personally never been that way. When I find out someone is pregnant, which happens a lot with people I know because of my age, I'm genuinely happy for them...and just a teensy tiny bit sad for me. I'd be lying if I said otherwise...and we all know everyone tells the truth on the Internet.
Personally, I know it's not my time to have a child right now. If that time never comes for me, then I'll be sad, but it will be okay. How could I miss out on Ethan's wonderful little heart by sulking in something that I couldn't change? How could I miss out on his little quirks like adopting his Mega Blocks construction worker guy as his "baby" or him telling me that his blankets "really aren't working" when he gets them tangled up? I couldn't do that to him or to me. Why miss out on something so wonderful. He'll only be this little once.
So, on Monday, I go in to this appointment. I'm hoping they'll at least tell me they can fix me or make the symptoms go away. If I get pregnant, so be it. It's such a relief to let go of that control, or percieved control, that I thought I had over this whole thing. It's in God's hands now. He sent me a beautiful little boy who I'm so grateful for (yes, even when he's making me crazy...okay maybe not in that moment but in reflection later). How could I cheapen that gift by worrying about something that I can't do anything about.
For those women out there who are pregnant right now, I'm so happy for you. You're bringing a little one into this world. You get to help guide and direct him, you get to enjoy him, but most of all you get to love him.
As for me, I'll keep my fingers crossed that they can find out what's wrong with my hormone levels. At least then I'll have an answer...not sure if I want one, that's kind of scary, but I think it will be good.
Chuck E. Cheese's....Where A Kid Can Be A Kid & Mom Can Get A Break
Today was a pretty good day. I got great news from a friend of mine, Ethan and I got out of the house, and we had a great time with Jenny and the kids at Chuck E. Cheese. It was really fun! I was surprised by how much they have that Ethan could actually do. They had tons of games and things that were perfect for his age group. We had a really great time! If you want to see pictures, go here. I forgot my camera and Jenny had hers so she got some cute pics of the kids having a blast.
Ethan ran and played a ton. His favorite game was one where you would try to catch ping pong ball bees and put them in a honey pot. He loved the singing characters on stage...albeit from a distance. He loved that they were singing. I tried to get him to go up closer saying that they were robots and it was okay. He said, "I can't a robot!" and covered his eyes so we ended that there.
It has been rough this winter being cooped up in the house with no way for Ethan to run off his energy...except for running laps around our house. It was so nice to get out and hang with Jenny and the kids. We've all been busy as of late. Now that things have started to calm down a bit and the holidays are over, I'm glad to be somewhat back to the routine of seeing friends again.
All in all, it was a good day.
Ethan ran and played a ton. His favorite game was one where you would try to catch ping pong ball bees and put them in a honey pot. He loved the singing characters on stage...albeit from a distance. He loved that they were singing. I tried to get him to go up closer saying that they were robots and it was okay. He said, "I can't a robot!" and covered his eyes so we ended that there.
It has been rough this winter being cooped up in the house with no way for Ethan to run off his energy...except for running laps around our house. It was so nice to get out and hang with Jenny and the kids. We've all been busy as of late. Now that things have started to calm down a bit and the holidays are over, I'm glad to be somewhat back to the routine of seeing friends again.
All in all, it was a good day.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Change?
Today was the inaguration of President Barack Obama. Did I vote for him? No. Do I think he will destroy the country? No. I don't think any one person has the power to do that. I watched the proceedings today and I listened to his speech. It was a great speech and it was very inspiring. I guess my problem is the tangibles. I'm the kind of person that needs a plan to make things better, not just saying that they will. I need to know how.
I sincerely hope that his presidency is a good one. I think we'll be okay. I don't think he's the savior of our country like some feel though. I don't think one man can make or break the country. The president has power, but not as much as you would think. The power is spread between him, the House of Representatives, and Congress. It's that way for a reason, because one person doesn't always know the right thing to do.
Do I think we should support our new president? Yes. Does supporting him mean I have to agree with everything he does or how he does it? Nope. That's the other problem I've seen. People having this all or nothing attitude. He's our president now. That's not going to change. The best we can do is hope that he will do well and make our opinions known about what is going on.
I think some people...some not all...that voted for him did so because it was the warm and fuzzy thing to do. I think some people voted for him for the wrong reasons without knowing his platform an issues, but you get that with every election. I hope the change is good and the country moves forward from here with a new leader.
I'm just glad the election is over and I don't have to hear from each side arguing every other minute.
I sincerely hope that his presidency is a good one. I think we'll be okay. I don't think he's the savior of our country like some feel though. I don't think one man can make or break the country. The president has power, but not as much as you would think. The power is spread between him, the House of Representatives, and Congress. It's that way for a reason, because one person doesn't always know the right thing to do.
Do I think we should support our new president? Yes. Does supporting him mean I have to agree with everything he does or how he does it? Nope. That's the other problem I've seen. People having this all or nothing attitude. He's our president now. That's not going to change. The best we can do is hope that he will do well and make our opinions known about what is going on.
I think some people...some not all...that voted for him did so because it was the warm and fuzzy thing to do. I think some people voted for him for the wrong reasons without knowing his platform an issues, but you get that with every election. I hope the change is good and the country moves forward from here with a new leader.
I'm just glad the election is over and I don't have to hear from each side arguing every other minute.
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