Taking Care and Other Things

My routine doesn't change much from day to day.  Sometimes it's easy to get lost in it.  Motivation is sometimes hard to come by.  Lately, I have been combatting this inevitable crash with my lists.  It seems silly, but adding something simple to the list for the day seems to help me out of my funk and nag me to get my to do list done.  It doesn't work for me if it's not an actual, written out, list.  It's so odd that a few words on paper or on my phone screen can make such a difference!

I guess this is a product of my OCD.  Being able to "control" the little things makes me feel more secure about the big things.  If I can control my little corner of the world, then I guess my corner can't fall apart.  I know that logic is flawed, but it's how someone who has OCD thinks.  At least that's how it manifests in my particular case.  Keeping my thinking in a linear pattern, not a circular one, is a real effort some days.  The list seems to help.  Going through the motions seems to help, even if I don't feel like it.  Going to the gym definitely helps.  I'm a lot less anxious afterward.

I've been trying to take care of myself better.   If I'm taken care of, then it will be easier for me to do my job as Mommy.  Going to the gym has been a key part in this.  I know I've lost some inches/weight, but I'm not sure how much...the kids somehow changed the scale to kilograms and I can't figure out how to change it back.  I'm also too lazy to calculate what 2.2 x whatever kilograms to get my weight. 

So today, this item is checked off my list.  Now on to the next item.

Mommy's Heart

You want to save your kids from ever feeling any pain or anything bad.  This is easy in the early years, they're with you most of the time.  When they're little, a kiss and a hug fixes everything.  They're back up, running, playing, and happy.  When they're bigger and off to school it gets a little more tough.  They go to school, they're away from home more.  You worry about things like how the other kids will treat your kid, whether or not they'll have their feelings hurt, or whether or not those around them will understand just how special they are. 

It's hard to accept the fact that, as parents, we can't protect them all the time.  We learned all of these things when we were kids and our parents were there to pick up the pieces.  Sometimes a kiss and a hug still fix everything and, if not, I'll be there to keep trying.  Love you buddy.

Update

So, I thought I'd update on my progress thus far.  It has been a rough couple of days, to say the least.  I'm hanging in there and I seem to be seeing light at the end of the tunnel as far as my sleeping goes. 

I have tried to be active during the days, and I'm feeling more like myself.  I'm also hoping for a change in Dan's hours at some point in the next few months.  Having a non-vampiric schedule should help as well.  My anxiety and OCD are a daily, if not hourly some days, battle.  I know, barring a miraculous event, it will always be that way. I'm okay with that most of the time.  I find great solace and happiness in my family and friends.  My kids are a riot.  Sydney even tried to put me on time out yesterday.  Too funny.

Until next time....

My Big Boy

Ethan lost his first tooth yesterday!  The tooth fairy even visited him and left him some money under his pillow. 

Sweet, Sweet Boy

Ethan brought this home from school today.  I love him so much.  We must be doing something right with that kid....

Just in case you can't read his handwriting, it says:

Dear Family,

I love you family.  They love me a lot.  My mom and dad and baby.  I love my family a lot.

Love,

Ethan



Hey! Where's my Golden Ticket?

I was looking back on past posts and realized that there is far too much space in between each one lately.  To remedy this, I've decided to do a post right now!  Yay for me!  As for us, we're living life and enjoying the journey...most of the time.  I wasn't able to attend the General Relief Society Meeting as I usually do with my mom, but I recorded it on my DVR and I was able to watch it last night.  I have to say, it was a good conference!  One thing that is awesome about DVR though is you don't have to listen to the singing...shhh don't tell. 

I really enjoyed President Uchdorf's talk about Forget Me Nots.  It's so true that we tend to put everyone and everything else first before ourselves.  I'm not saying we need to be selfish people, but we do need to take care of ourselves.  I've found myself waiting for that "golden ticket" to make my life all better at different times in my life.  It has taken a lot of growing up for me to realize that there is no "golden ticket" or if there is, it's not going to change my attitude about things.  I also liked the part where he said that we're not perfect and Heavenly Father knows that, and that he also knows that the people we think are perfect aren't perfect either.  It's so easy to get caught up in comparing your weaknesses to somebody else's strengths.  It's a hard cycle to break, but it's so important to realize that Heavenly Father loves us individually, even with our imperfections.

As far as waiting for my golden ticket goes, maybe one day something amazing like that will happen, but I know of at least three things in my life (Dan, Ethan, and Sydney) that are better than any golden ticket could be.

What Have We Been Up To?

Well, there has been an aura of controlled chaos lately around our home....I guess that's the usual aura around here.  Anyway, we've been doing pretty well.  Ethan has been in school for about a month now.  He loves being in first grade.  Sydney is as cute as ever.  She is talking up a storm.  She also has learned to fake crying.  In fact, the other night she fake cried and then when I asked what was wrong she said, "I sad."  It was cute.  I know I've got to savor these days while I can.  They're not going to last too long.

We went to the Utah State Fair earlier in the month and had a great time.  Ethan and Sydney both LOVED the big yellow slide.  We all went together as a family and then Dan took the kids so I could get some pictures the second time.  Ethan caught a fish in the catch and release fishing pond.  We got to see tons of animals.  The kids especially loved the goats because they were so friendly.  They wanted to be petted and wanted attention.  It was a really fun time.  They also had this cool Lego area where you could go build something and they had a shark and a lion made completely out of Legos.  Ethan thought it was awesome. 

All in all, it was a good time. Until next time....

Thinking...

Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past month. We went to visit Grandma and Grandpa Cornia about a month ago because Grandpa was not doing well health wise. He passed away yesterday morning. I knew as I drove away that Sunday evening at the conclusion of our visit that it would probably be the last time I would see him in this life. I cried most of the three and a half hour drive home. It was really hard leaving. He knew his time was drawing near. I could tell by the way he was talking about things that he just kind of knew things were going that way.

We had a wonderful visit with Grandpa and all the family up there. Grandpa still had his mind and had us laughing a bit. He was still as "strong-willed" as ever. He was still Grandpa up until the very end. I am grateful for that.

He was a great man and he will be missed, but I know I will see him again. I know those that pass on do not go far. They stay around, watching over us, comforting us when needed, and blessing our lives even after death. I take such comfort in my testimony of the Gospel and in my knowledge of life after death. We all have our time here on Earth and Grandpa used his to the fullest.

Grandpa Cornia was a great man. He accomplished so much in his life. I love him so much and will miss him everyday. I think seeing his empty "chair" at the house when we go up to Idaho for the funeral will be hardest for me. It will make it real.

I love you Grandpa.

A LOT Going On...

We've had a lot going on pretty much nonstop this summer...we're finally in the lull and school is almost starting! It has been pretty crazy. First, in June we had Dan and Ethan's birthdays and we had Father's Day. It was an eventful week to say the least. On top of that, Dan was picking up shifts like crazy at the hospital and at the rehab/nursing home.

At the end of June/beginning of July, we had Kylea and Colby's wedding. Dan made the wedding cake:

This is Alisa putting the final flowers on it as Dan actually was called in to work that night...go figure.

Anyway, after that, we had a wonderful vacation at Bear Lake with the family. Ethan and I even went body surfing on one of the nights. We had some awesome wind coming off the lake.

Then, we went up to Idaho for an impromptu visit to my grandparents, had my birthday, and went up to East Canyon with my parents and family for some fun. More pictures to follow on that later...

This one is me and the kids with Grandma and Grandpa Cornia.

Ethan starts first grade in about a week and a half. I'm excited for him, but also....holy crap, I'm going to have a first grader! Life has been good, but busy, for us this summer. We've had a few bumps along the way like car problems, etc., but hopefully those will be resolved soon.

I'm really looking forward to the routine of school and having a little bit of extra time since I will only have to entertain one child, not two, all day. Yay for more gym time for me!

Until next time....

Family Pictures, June 2011

We went to FotoFly in Draper and had family pictures done today. I also wanted to get some of the kids together since Syd is 19 months now and Ethan just turned six. I can't believe my little man is growing up so quickly. Anyway, enjoy.

Poor Kid...

Well, we finally figured out what's wrong with Sydney. She has raging ear infections in both ears. I got a little worried on Saturday when her fever wasn't coming down so I took her in to the doctor. They took her temperature and even with ibprofen in her system it was 104.3°.  Crazy!  No wonder she was acting so weird.

We got some antibiotics and have started the course of those. They seem to be helping. Her fever hasn't completely broken yet, but I'm hopeful it will soon.  She has still been pretty warm today, but at least she's walking and playing a tiny bit and she has started to want to eat again.

Poor kid. I hope she feels better soon.

Today...

Well today was a pretty good day. I've been productive, I've done a lot of cleaning and worked some.  I was able to get some errands done.  I'm excited about that. We had a rather nasty virus come through our family and I'm finally getting energy back. 
I'm not sure what's going on with Sydney but she has been a little sick for the past couple of days. She'll be fine but I just wish I knew what was wrong. When I can't figure it out I feel like I'm somehow failing at something I should know how to do or fix.   It's  just hard. 

I hope she's better soon.

Wow! It's Been A While

I'm sitting here in one of my few quiet moments and realized it has been quite a while since I've blogged. Ethan and Dan are outside working on the yard. Sydney is asleep, or at least attempting to sleep. I'm working and thought I'd take a quick break to update on what's going on with us.

Ethan will be six this month! I can't believe my baby boy is going to be that old! He is just about to graduate Kindergarten. In fact, they're having their program tomorrow for his class. I'll post some pictures later. He is doing really well and loves to read. He reads EVERYTHING now...signs, computer screens, books, logos...everything...all the time. Luckily, spelling aloud when we don't want him to understand still works...for now. I'm glad he has a love of reading. It seems like such a short time ago he was a toddler running around like Sydney is now. She's 18 months now and a little spitfire. She is so girly! She loves anything that sparkles, shoes, and anything cuddly. She has started talking and loves the words no and Daddy.

As for other news, we're getting ready for my niece, Kylea, to get married in about a month. Should make for a fun time. She called Dan today and asked him to do her cake. He does a really good job and I'll post pictures once we get to that point. He has done several for various family members over the years. He even did our cake.

Dan has been working a lot lately, but that's so we can play later this summer. Our annual trip to Bear Lake is coming up. I'm excited to get away. The 4th should be really fun too. I always have a good time and any day you get to have homemade ice cream isn't such a shabby one.

Our Own Stuff

I guess in this life we all have our own "stuff" to deal with. Some people live their lives in wheelchairs, some have learning disabilities, some have anxiety, some have financial problems, the list goes on and on...but today was a reminder that my son will always have "stuff" to deal with, something I'm all too familiar with...anxiety. He seems to be adjusting well, but every now and again we'll have a blip on the radar. Today was a blip. He's incredibly smart and learns so quickly, but socially, he is definitely lacking sometimes. When he gets into a situation where he feels anxious, threatened, or doesn't understand the other kids it's hard for him. It's hard for me to deal with too, which is totally about me, not him.

He's fine. He's a wonderful little boy and I love him dearly, but I can't help feeling responsible for his "stuff" sometimes. We are genetically related after all. Of course, in the scheme of things he'll be fine and I will too, but it's just frustrating sometimes. I wish there were a magic button to be pushed that would make it better or help me understand it better. I don't know if understanding it would make the situation any better or worse, but at least I would feel like I could do something, like there was something I could quantify. If I could quantify it, I could fix it...in theory. People are much more complicated than all that. A plus B doesn't necessarily equal C when it comes to people and our issues. Today, my prayer is for strength to be what he needs me to be and do what he needs me to do to overcome his issues. I guess that's the hope for any mother, but it's really on my mind today.

Sick of Being Sick

Man oh man!  We've been sick at our house for the better part of the last month and a half. I hate it. I'm hoping we're on the tail end of what's "out there." 

Other than the sickness we've been doing pretty well. Ethan had his Valentines Day parties at school yesterday. He really had a great time. Last week we also had his parent teacher conferences. He is doing really well. I'm so happy he loves school. He is especially good at reading. His teacher says he's at the highest level in his class. I'm so proud of him!  I love to read so much. I'm so glad that love has carried over to him...most of the time. I have to watch him on school nights because he is prone to sneaking books into his room and hiding them under his pillow so he can stay up and read. Funny kid!

I took Syd in for her 15 month check up yesterday. She is growing well. She is really funny and easy going. She loves to laugh and has a funny little sense of humor. She's starting to talk a little. She says "What's that?" and a few other small words. She likes to try and repeat what we say. It's really cute.

So we're plugging along as hard as ever. Here's hoping no more sickness!

Well, It's Monday

We had a rather "eventful" weekend. Ethan got sick on Saturday night with some sort of stomach bug. It was awful...for both of us. He was pretty much puking like every 30 to 45 minutes until about 3:00 a.m. He seemed okay on Sunday, but not up to 100%, so I kept him home from church and he just took it easy most of the day. I think he's mostly feeling better. He still looks a little pale and his appetite is not fully back yet, but no more throwing up, so that is a wonderful thing. He was even able to go to school today.

Other than the hiccup this weekend, things have been going pretty well. Dan is really liking both of his jobs and the flexibility of the second one. We are making good headway on our goal of getting out of debt. We are spending less, eating in more, and spending more time together as a family. It has been really great for us all around.

Dan is currently working with my dad on rebuilding the engine to his little Mazda pickup truck. It's funny, Ethan always has to go "help Daddy and Grandpa" in the garage. That usually consists of him getting into the cab of the truck and pretending he's driving. It's pretty funny. He gets mad at Daddy and Grandpa when they're done for the day and are coming in. He is such a boy. He loves to figure out how things work and try and help. He is such a smart boy.

Ethan loves kindergarten. He is doing well in school both academically and socially. I thank Heavenly Father every day for the help we were given for Ethan. He has come so far! He still has his anxieties and his days, but he now has the tools to work through them. That's a huge thing for him only being five! I love it. His teachers love him.

Sydney is growing so fast. She knows how to walk now and has been stepping. She would rather crawl most of the time because it's faster. She has this way of getting into something she's not supposed to have and then crawling away at light speed. I'm not sure how she does it so quickly, but it's really kind of funny...most of the time. She likes to steal toys from the dog and vise versa. That's a little weird. She gets mad when he takes his toys back from her. It's a funny dynamic they have. She's saying "Hi." a lot and she says "Hi Sydney." a lot. She tries to repeat what we're saying. She says a lot of peoples names and things. When she says Ethan it's always in a whispery voice. She is such a sweetheart. She loves Daddy so much and cries when he leaves...even when it's just him leaving the room. She knows how to go up the stairs now, but not down them, so that has been an adventure. Hopefully she'll learn how to go down soon so we don't have to gate everything off anymore.

It's time for another week ahead. I think this one will be good. Life is what you make it, right?

Thinking...

It's one thing I can never seem to stop doing...I guess that's a good thing. If I'm no longer thinking, I may have had an annurism or something. Sometimes it's not so fun. Right now, I can't sleep, as usual, and the house is quiet. It gets so quiet sometimes even when there are others around. It's like there is a bubble separating me from joining the living sometimes. I know that's probably my depression talking, but nonetheless it's something I feel at times.

Lately, I've been thinking A LOT about people that have passed within the last few years, my mother-in-law Vicki, my Grandpa Page, my sweet cousin Lariann. It just seems that we always just want a few more minutes with them. I know they're around though. I think they look in on us from time to time. It doesn't make me miss them any less though. Sometimes it feels like they just passed yesterday. Other times it seems so long ago. Especially when I think of Vicki, Dan's mom, it makes me sad she's not here. I hope she knows she is missed and that I think of her often.

For Christmas, my sister-in-law Becki and my mother-in-law Linda, Dan's stepmom, finished one of the last Christmas projects Vicki was going to do for all of her kids. She always was doing that at Christmas. She loved to craft. It was so nice of them to finish it. Basically all of them were almost done. Just a few finishing touches. It was almost like she was there. It was so nice to just remember her and her love.

Sometimes I feel those that have passed on around me. Sometimes it's just for a quick "hug", but it's comforting nonetheless. There's nothing like a "hug" from Grandpa when you need it.

Sorry this post is so depressing. I've just been thinking about these things a lot lately. I guess my point is this, remember those that have gone on. Maybe they're not as far away as you think.

New Goal...

I am taking a cue from Shannon and I'm going to try to write more on my blog. I might not be as diligent as she has been, writing every day and all, but I want to try. Writing used to be so cathartic to me. I've gotten away from it. It's time to take that portion of "me" back.

So let's see. It's now 2011. I have two kids. Ethan is five and Sydney is just over a year. I love them dearly. Dan and I will be celebrating 11 years of marriage this year. That's a good thing. You know, marriage isn't always easy and it isn't always fun, but it definitely has some wonderful in betweens. Life is all about those "in between" moments. That's where our true lives exist.

Today was not a particularly great day. I've been spending my days at home a lot as of late. We have one car right now and also with Ethan in school it's hard to get out sometimes to see people. I've been sick the past few days, but I think I've finally turned the corner and I am starting to get better...hopefully. I hate feeling like I can't breathe. Sydney and I have the same thing. She seems to be getting better as well. I want it to be warm outside again. I am so sick of the gloomy clouds. It always makes my anxiety/depression worse.

While reading Shannon's blog, she talks about her depression. I just want to let her know that she is not alone on that road. A lot of the things she is feeling now, I have felt/will feel/am feeling now. On the up side, one thing that helps with my anxiety/depression/OCD is writing and getting the feelings out of me. In that regard, writing the blog should be good.

Today was one of those days where everything was driving me crazy and getting on my nerves. Gotta love that. Nothing in particular was different than usual, it was all just driving me crazy. The kids were somehow louder than usual, sleep wasn't as refreshing as usual, there was some crazy smell in my house that I couldn't figure out...it was all driving me crazy. I'm still trying to come down from that hightened "I want to punch something" feeling. Sometimes I feel like an emotional lightning rod. I seem to experience really intense emotion, whatever it is, be it happiness, sadness, anxiety, fear, etc. All of it is so intense. Sometimes I wish I had an off switch so I could just take a break from it for a while. I suppose having no feelings wouldn't be any better though. If you don't know the bad, you won't know the good...isn't that how the saying goes.

As far as my anxiety disorder is going, it's "handled." The funny thing most people don't understand is depression/anxiety is not totally a "will power" thing. It's a physiological one. I have a chemical imbalance that creates this reaction in my body. I try to take care of myself, eat relatively well, go to the gym regularly, and do the things I'm supposed to do for it. Some days are better than others. I still have the insomnia problem occasionally, but it's not as bad as it used to be. The crazy thing about this "craziness" (Dan hates it when I call it that) is that there's no reason for the feelings most of the time. You just "feel" like something is wrong or you "feel" like someone is judging you for something. Most of the time the logical side of your brain knows those feelings aren't valid, but emotions are a powerful thing. Maybe I should try to "master my emotions" like Spock and go for total logic...wait that won't work either. I'm too illogical.

If this sounds like I'm rambling...I am, and that's okay. It's my blog. I hope if anyone ever reads it maybe they will find some sort of kinship with me. Maybe someone is feeling the same way I feel and will know they're not alone. There are good days and bad days out there and sometimes, as a friend posted on their Facebook status the other day, "It's okay not to be okay all the time." We all have our moments. Some last longer than others...some are even longer than this post.

Sydney Is One!

Sydney turned one this last week. It was so amazing to me that my little baby is growing up so fast! We had a little gathering of just a few family members and had some ice cream and cake. Dan made a really cute cake for the occasion and Sydney had a lot of fun! Ethan got to play with his cousins and it was a great time for all.

This is my baby at the hospital...

We had such a fun time...look at the cutie now!

Halloween 2010

I just wanted to write a quick post about this Halloween. It was Sydney's first one! Ethan and Sydney both had a great time despite the weather. We got them all dressed up and ready to go and we went to a trunk or treat/party at my parents' ward. It was really fun! We even got to meet up with the Moffats while we were there. The kids just loved playing and having fun with each other. Here are a few pictures. Ethan's costume had to have his "fire dog" Jasper in it, at least for the pictures on the porch. I love my kids and I'm glad they had a great time. I also loved that they share their candy with me.