New Goal...

I am taking a cue from Shannon and I'm going to try to write more on my blog. I might not be as diligent as she has been, writing every day and all, but I want to try. Writing used to be so cathartic to me. I've gotten away from it. It's time to take that portion of "me" back.

So let's see. It's now 2011. I have two kids. Ethan is five and Sydney is just over a year. I love them dearly. Dan and I will be celebrating 11 years of marriage this year. That's a good thing. You know, marriage isn't always easy and it isn't always fun, but it definitely has some wonderful in betweens. Life is all about those "in between" moments. That's where our true lives exist.

Today was not a particularly great day. I've been spending my days at home a lot as of late. We have one car right now and also with Ethan in school it's hard to get out sometimes to see people. I've been sick the past few days, but I think I've finally turned the corner and I am starting to get better...hopefully. I hate feeling like I can't breathe. Sydney and I have the same thing. She seems to be getting better as well. I want it to be warm outside again. I am so sick of the gloomy clouds. It always makes my anxiety/depression worse.

While reading Shannon's blog, she talks about her depression. I just want to let her know that she is not alone on that road. A lot of the things she is feeling now, I have felt/will feel/am feeling now. On the up side, one thing that helps with my anxiety/depression/OCD is writing and getting the feelings out of me. In that regard, writing the blog should be good.

Today was one of those days where everything was driving me crazy and getting on my nerves. Gotta love that. Nothing in particular was different than usual, it was all just driving me crazy. The kids were somehow louder than usual, sleep wasn't as refreshing as usual, there was some crazy smell in my house that I couldn't figure out...it was all driving me crazy. I'm still trying to come down from that hightened "I want to punch something" feeling. Sometimes I feel like an emotional lightning rod. I seem to experience really intense emotion, whatever it is, be it happiness, sadness, anxiety, fear, etc. All of it is so intense. Sometimes I wish I had an off switch so I could just take a break from it for a while. I suppose having no feelings wouldn't be any better though. If you don't know the bad, you won't know the good...isn't that how the saying goes.

As far as my anxiety disorder is going, it's "handled." The funny thing most people don't understand is depression/anxiety is not totally a "will power" thing. It's a physiological one. I have a chemical imbalance that creates this reaction in my body. I try to take care of myself, eat relatively well, go to the gym regularly, and do the things I'm supposed to do for it. Some days are better than others. I still have the insomnia problem occasionally, but it's not as bad as it used to be. The crazy thing about this "craziness" (Dan hates it when I call it that) is that there's no reason for the feelings most of the time. You just "feel" like something is wrong or you "feel" like someone is judging you for something. Most of the time the logical side of your brain knows those feelings aren't valid, but emotions are a powerful thing. Maybe I should try to "master my emotions" like Spock and go for total logic...wait that won't work either. I'm too illogical.

If this sounds like I'm rambling...I am, and that's okay. It's my blog. I hope if anyone ever reads it maybe they will find some sort of kinship with me. Maybe someone is feeling the same way I feel and will know they're not alone. There are good days and bad days out there and sometimes, as a friend posted on their Facebook status the other day, "It's okay not to be okay all the time." We all have our moments. Some last longer than others...some are even longer than this post.