Phone Call

I had a rather interesting experience today.  Lately I've been feeling kind of spiritually disconnected.  I'm not really sure why, but I've attempted different things to try and remedy it.  It was sort of working.  I just felt like I needed a more concrete way of knowing Heavenly Father was aware of me and my struggle. 

Anyway, I was holding my phone this morning and I accidentally dialed someone.  I immediately hung up and didn't think much more of it. I mean, how many times does that happen?  This person called me back and I missed the call, so I figured I had better call and explain.  I called her up.  She was having a hard day and we had a really good conversation. 

After I hung up, I was happy I was able to be there for this person, and suddenly I realized that my "accidental" dial wasn't so accidental at all.  I was needed, so I was able to serve and be a friend for someone I love very much.

The Lord loves us and watches over us.  He knows us.  To know Him, we just need to listen.

Taking Care and Other Things

My routine doesn't change much from day to day.  Sometimes it's easy to get lost in it.  Motivation is sometimes hard to come by.  Lately, I have been combatting this inevitable crash with my lists.  It seems silly, but adding something simple to the list for the day seems to help me out of my funk and nag me to get my to do list done.  It doesn't work for me if it's not an actual, written out, list.  It's so odd that a few words on paper or on my phone screen can make such a difference!

I guess this is a product of my OCD.  Being able to "control" the little things makes me feel more secure about the big things.  If I can control my little corner of the world, then I guess my corner can't fall apart.  I know that logic is flawed, but it's how someone who has OCD thinks.  At least that's how it manifests in my particular case.  Keeping my thinking in a linear pattern, not a circular one, is a real effort some days.  The list seems to help.  Going through the motions seems to help, even if I don't feel like it.  Going to the gym definitely helps.  I'm a lot less anxious afterward.

I've been trying to take care of myself better.   If I'm taken care of, then it will be easier for me to do my job as Mommy.  Going to the gym has been a key part in this.  I know I've lost some inches/weight, but I'm not sure how much...the kids somehow changed the scale to kilograms and I can't figure out how to change it back.  I'm also too lazy to calculate what 2.2 x whatever kilograms to get my weight. 

So today, this item is checked off my list.  Now on to the next item.

My Job

With the election coming up, there have been a lot of words slung back and forth from both parties.  One more recent addition to the slinging was a statement made by Hilary Rosen of CNN.  When discussing whether or not Ann Romney, Mitt Romney's wife, was knowledgeable enough to address economic issues of women with her husband, Ms. Rosen said that Ann hadn't worked "a day in her life."  Such a stupid statement, but it shows the true colors of some women out there.  Ann Romney stayed at home to raise her five boys and went to school at night.  If that isn't work, I don't know what is.

It seems like every time there is a discussion about a woman staying home with her children, especially with some in the media, it is either something where the women are uneducated, don't know any better, or are lazy somehow.  I don't get that.  Aren't they supposed to be feminists?  Aren't they supposed to support any woman's right to choose how she lives her life?

I choose to be a mother to my children as my primary job.  Believe me, it is a lot of work.  I love my kids.  I do other things on the side for myself like going to the gym, reading extensively, and even doing a bit of work from home.  I still maintain though, my primary job is being a mother.  I hate that somehow I'm viewed as less by some because I choose to be at home with my children.  It was my choice.  I wanted to do it.  Just because I'm at home, doesn't mean I'm any less informed about the issues in politics, economics, or the world in general.  I watch the news, read about current events and try to educate myself about all sorts of different things.  Just because I'm not out "in the workforce" doesn't make me out of touch with the world.  I still exist!  I still have opinions that matter!

Our family is not rich by any means.  When we set out to begin our family, it was in our plan for me to stay home with our children to raise them.  We don't have nannies.  We don't have a housekeeper.  I'm the mom.  Dan is a wonderful help with the kids.  We're a team when he is home, and when he's at work, it's me.  I don't live a life of leisure without a care in the world.  It's hard work to make sure a household runs smoothly and that your children are learning/doing the right things.  It's very rewarding, but it's still hard...especially when you've got a sick kid at 3:00 a.m. to take care of.  It was my choice to live this way.  I love it! 

I'm all for choice.  If you're a woman who works outside the home, that's great!  More power to you!  I have no problem with it.  There are some mothers who choose to work and there are some who have to work due to economic reasons.  You do the best with what you've got.  What I have a problem with is the slinging of words about my choice.  I don't begrudge you for working out in the world, don't begrudge me for working at building my family as my primary occupation.  We all work hard.  We should be banding together as women and humanity to lift one another up, not tear each other down about our differences. 

Overdrive

My mind is running on overdrive right now.  I'm not really sure why, but I seem to be hypersensitive to everything around me. 

OCD is not fun.  It's not even stereotypical clean freak type stuff all the time.  Sometimes it's just being frozen by the constant string of thoughts you're being bombarded with.  It doesn't make sense.  It doesn't use logic.  It can be all encompassing. 

People are talking about mental illness more and more, but there's still a stigma associated with it.  Sometimes I wish I had a "real" illness that people could understand.  I wish it would behave logically.  There are a lot of wishes there.

Oh well, such is life.  You do the best with what you've got.

Invigorated

I am so happy that spring is finally here.  Even though we got a bit of snow today, the first in a long while, it has now melted and temperatures look to be in the 60s at least tomorrow and even warmer on Sunday.  I've missed the sun.  I'm not a person that tans in the backyard, I'm far to pale for that, but just having that warmth and light again makes for such a better sense of well being.  It leaves me feeling energized.

Easter is this Sunday.  I was thinking about the seasons thing today and spring is a very fitting time to have Easter.  We celebrate Christ being resurrected and are inherently reminded of it everywhere we look in the spring.  Flowers are coming out, trees are blooming, and most important of all, the sun is finally shining.  Christ is our light in this world spiritually and how fitting that we have spring to remind us daily in nature how bright that light truly is.

Happy Easter everyone!

Improvement

I've begun working on the never ending quest to improve myself again this week.  I've been to the gym twice this week and I know I'm definitely going to feel today's workout tomorrow...I can already feel it now.  I'm working on sleeping better and I think I'm making headway.  The past two nights I have just waited until my body was ready to go to sleep...it wasn't ready until 5:00 a.m. the first night and then 4:00 a.m. last night (this morning).  I guess I'm making progress! 

At this rate, I might go to bed at a normal hour sometime next year.  I know it's coming, but it's in my nature to be impatient.  It's in my DNA.  Once I make a decision on something, I want to make it happen immediately.  I see no reason to wait.  It's especially annoying when things like science or the laws of time and space override my will.  The workouts are helping with my anxiety levels.  I can already tell that, but of course, patience is not my forte.  As far as sleeping goes, I guess I don't have a choice.  I can't force things.  I have to let them happen.  I think they are headed in the right direction.

Here's hoping...

Love One Another

I have wondered lately why people choose to shun others that don't believe the same way they do.  There are wonderful people in all faiths.  There are wonderful people who don't believe in a particular faith either.  I'm LDS myself, and I hope that those around me, both LDS and not, would choose to love me either way.  I have my beliefs and they have theirs.  I love them regardless.  Whatever they believe is between them and God.  It's not my business unless they choose to make it so.

There is only so much room in this world and people aren't always going to see eye to eye.  Even if I don't agree with someone, I can still love them and enjoy their spirit.  Christ said to love one another as I have loved you.  That is the core principal of my faith.  So, even if I don't agree with you or have questions about how you're living your life, I still love you and hope you would do the same if you don't agree with me. 

If we're going to live in this world together, we have to respect the journey each individual takes as they move along in life.  Each person has their own personal journey.  I choose to respect that.

Mommy's Heart

You want to save your kids from ever feeling any pain or anything bad.  This is easy in the early years, they're with you most of the time.  When they're little, a kiss and a hug fixes everything.  They're back up, running, playing, and happy.  When they're bigger and off to school it gets a little more tough.  They go to school, they're away from home more.  You worry about things like how the other kids will treat your kid, whether or not they'll have their feelings hurt, or whether or not those around them will understand just how special they are. 

It's hard to accept the fact that, as parents, we can't protect them all the time.  We learned all of these things when we were kids and our parents were there to pick up the pieces.  Sometimes a kiss and a hug still fix everything and, if not, I'll be there to keep trying.  Love you buddy.

Legal Notice

Ethan: Sydney, I just made this note for you. It says Sydney be quiet. You can have it.

Update

So, I thought I'd update on my progress thus far.  It has been a rough couple of days, to say the least.  I'm hanging in there and I seem to be seeing light at the end of the tunnel as far as my sleeping goes. 

I have tried to be active during the days, and I'm feeling more like myself.  I'm also hoping for a change in Dan's hours at some point in the next few months.  Having a non-vampiric schedule should help as well.  My anxiety and OCD are a daily, if not hourly some days, battle.  I know, barring a miraculous event, it will always be that way. I'm okay with that most of the time.  I find great solace and happiness in my family and friends.  My kids are a riot.  Sydney even tried to put me on time out yesterday.  Too funny.

Until next time....

OCD, GAD, and Insomnia...Oh My!

Well, it has been a while since I have written.  I want to change that, but we'll see if I actually follow through.  I have been suffering from insomnia for about the past two years, since Sydney was born.  I've tried various things and, most recently, I have been taking Ambien to help me sleep.  While this was a wonderful relief for me in the beginning, I have decided to try to get off of it.  I don't want to be dependent on it. 

I know my anxiety disorder requires treatment and I'm fine with that, but my sleeping was fine before I had Sydney.  My anxiety disorder (GAD) and OCD may make it difficult, but I talked to my doctor and they say I can stop the pills without tapering off.  I may have insomnia for a few days, but should get back to normal within a week, hopefully sooner.  Here's to some sweet dreams...hopefully.