Taking Care and Other Things

My routine doesn't change much from day to day.  Sometimes it's easy to get lost in it.  Motivation is sometimes hard to come by.  Lately, I have been combatting this inevitable crash with my lists.  It seems silly, but adding something simple to the list for the day seems to help me out of my funk and nag me to get my to do list done.  It doesn't work for me if it's not an actual, written out, list.  It's so odd that a few words on paper or on my phone screen can make such a difference!

I guess this is a product of my OCD.  Being able to "control" the little things makes me feel more secure about the big things.  If I can control my little corner of the world, then I guess my corner can't fall apart.  I know that logic is flawed, but it's how someone who has OCD thinks.  At least that's how it manifests in my particular case.  Keeping my thinking in a linear pattern, not a circular one, is a real effort some days.  The list seems to help.  Going through the motions seems to help, even if I don't feel like it.  Going to the gym definitely helps.  I'm a lot less anxious afterward.

I've been trying to take care of myself better.   If I'm taken care of, then it will be easier for me to do my job as Mommy.  Going to the gym has been a key part in this.  I know I've lost some inches/weight, but I'm not sure how much...the kids somehow changed the scale to kilograms and I can't figure out how to change it back.  I'm also too lazy to calculate what 2.2 x whatever kilograms to get my weight. 

So today, this item is checked off my list.  Now on to the next item.

Looking Forward

Well, the doctor's visit was yesterday. I have to say, I'm feeling pretty okay about things...not great, but okay. The doctor thinks, based on my clinical symptoms, that I have some form of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). We'll know more when we do some blood testing throughout my cycle, but it's looking like that's what I have. Basically, PCOS is a problem where your pancreas makes too much insulin because your body isn't processing it correctly. This, in turn, makes your testosterone levels rise and your estrogen and progesterone levels decrease, thus causing fertility problems. There are treatments to be done for it. One I'm already doing, taking better care of myself by eating well, trying to lose weight, and exercising. There is also a medication, actually a diabetes medication, that we'll be trying as well.

Speaking of weight loss...I lost another two pounds this last week! That puts my grand total from when I started on January 5 up to 10 pounds. It's so exciting. Hopefully I can keep things up. I'm doing my part of it, making sure to eat right, making sure to get to the gym, etc. Hopefully that continues to work.

As for me, I had a good cry last night. I'm sure there will be more tears in the future. My tears were not necessarily because of this diagnosis...I had suspicions of it before we even went to the doctor...it was more the fact that I even had to go down this road. Right now, I'm doing okay, but I'm sure I'll have good days and bad days. I know with continued faith in the Lord I can make it through. I really hope that a baby is at the end of all of this, but if there isn't, I'm incredibly lucky to have Ethan.

Now, we're looking forward, inducing a cycle, getting blood tests, doing the glorious glucose test (blah), and starting new medications. At the end of this, I'll at least be healthier than I am now, and that's always a good thing.

Week 2...

I'm having a hard time this week. I was healthier, I exercized more, I lifted weights, etc. I really expected the scale to reflect that, but alas, I only lost one pound. Why is my body holding on so tightly to this fat suit? I'm so sick of it! Hopefully this week will be better and I'll be able to see more of a loss on the scale end of things.

Here's hoping...

Week 1 Down

Well last week was the first full week of the new year. I have to say that it went pretty well for me. I worked out, made better food choices, and lost seven pounds! I know this will slow down after the first few weeks of being healthy, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can. I'm excited. This time, for me, it's less about losing weight as it is feeling better. I want to feel better. I want to be healthy when I'm old. I want to be able to not be fragile and having arthritis problems when I get older. I think being healthier will accomplish this.

I realized that I haven't posted anything on Christmas or New Year's yet either. We really had a pretty good Christmas. We kept it small this year and Santa brought Ethan some wonderful things. He got a train set that he absolutely loves. He also got boring clothes and jammies from Mom and Dad. He's really starting to grow up. I just wish he would potty train. We're working on that though...hopefully it will be done soon.

On New Year's we went to Jenny and Moby's house. It was fun, so relaxing. The kids played and played. Ethan got to wrestle around with Jack and they both loved it. We played Guitar Hero and ate yummy ham and funeral potatoes that Jenny made. All in all, it was a great night. We had a lot of fun.

Dan is doing well too. He has been working a lot, but what else is new. He's still working less now than when he was working in Home Care though. That's definitely a good thing. 60 hour work weeks combined with full time school was really hard on everyone. He's really liking his job as a nurse at the new Intermountain Medical Center. He works on the cardiac floor, but sometimes gets pulled to help out on other floors if they need him. It has been good for his health too. They did a study and found that nurses walk the equivalent of six miles each shift they work, so you do the math...

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Once I get my camera downloaded I'll probably be posting those precious Christmas pictures. Until next time...

New Year...Same Resolution

I guess I'm more "resolute" this year. Lately I've not been feeling myself and have been struggling with my depression a bit more. As a result, I've been "using" my drug of choice...food. This isn't a good thing as I've gained weight as a result. Well, I've decided to do something about it. Before, I stopped watching what I was eating because I was "waiting" to get pregnant...well...the waiting has gone on for over a year now and that's long enough. I'm going to get myself in order and maybe a pregnancy will follow later on. At least then I'll be more healthy when I do finally get pregnant.

I'm sick of feeling yucky and I'm sick of indulging in food because I "deserve" it. Food is a necessity for life and it can be enjoyed, but I shouldn't be using it to make me feel better. So, resolutely, I'm heading off into the territory of a healthier me. I hope by publicly declaring it I can do better and keep the goal. We'll see. I think I can do it.