Taking Care and Other Things

My routine doesn't change much from day to day.  Sometimes it's easy to get lost in it.  Motivation is sometimes hard to come by.  Lately, I have been combatting this inevitable crash with my lists.  It seems silly, but adding something simple to the list for the day seems to help me out of my funk and nag me to get my to do list done.  It doesn't work for me if it's not an actual, written out, list.  It's so odd that a few words on paper or on my phone screen can make such a difference!

I guess this is a product of my OCD.  Being able to "control" the little things makes me feel more secure about the big things.  If I can control my little corner of the world, then I guess my corner can't fall apart.  I know that logic is flawed, but it's how someone who has OCD thinks.  At least that's how it manifests in my particular case.  Keeping my thinking in a linear pattern, not a circular one, is a real effort some days.  The list seems to help.  Going through the motions seems to help, even if I don't feel like it.  Going to the gym definitely helps.  I'm a lot less anxious afterward.

I've been trying to take care of myself better.   If I'm taken care of, then it will be easier for me to do my job as Mommy.  Going to the gym has been a key part in this.  I know I've lost some inches/weight, but I'm not sure how much...the kids somehow changed the scale to kilograms and I can't figure out how to change it back.  I'm also too lazy to calculate what 2.2 x whatever kilograms to get my weight. 

So today, this item is checked off my list.  Now on to the next item.

Overdrive

My mind is running on overdrive right now.  I'm not really sure why, but I seem to be hypersensitive to everything around me. 

OCD is not fun.  It's not even stereotypical clean freak type stuff all the time.  Sometimes it's just being frozen by the constant string of thoughts you're being bombarded with.  It doesn't make sense.  It doesn't use logic.  It can be all encompassing. 

People are talking about mental illness more and more, but there's still a stigma associated with it.  Sometimes I wish I had a "real" illness that people could understand.  I wish it would behave logically.  There are a lot of wishes there.

Oh well, such is life.  You do the best with what you've got.

Improvement

I've begun working on the never ending quest to improve myself again this week.  I've been to the gym twice this week and I know I'm definitely going to feel today's workout tomorrow...I can already feel it now.  I'm working on sleeping better and I think I'm making headway.  The past two nights I have just waited until my body was ready to go to sleep...it wasn't ready until 5:00 a.m. the first night and then 4:00 a.m. last night (this morning).  I guess I'm making progress! 

At this rate, I might go to bed at a normal hour sometime next year.  I know it's coming, but it's in my nature to be impatient.  It's in my DNA.  Once I make a decision on something, I want to make it happen immediately.  I see no reason to wait.  It's especially annoying when things like science or the laws of time and space override my will.  The workouts are helping with my anxiety levels.  I can already tell that, but of course, patience is not my forte.  As far as sleeping goes, I guess I don't have a choice.  I can't force things.  I have to let them happen.  I think they are headed in the right direction.

Here's hoping...

Mommy's Heart

You want to save your kids from ever feeling any pain or anything bad.  This is easy in the early years, they're with you most of the time.  When they're little, a kiss and a hug fixes everything.  They're back up, running, playing, and happy.  When they're bigger and off to school it gets a little more tough.  They go to school, they're away from home more.  You worry about things like how the other kids will treat your kid, whether or not they'll have their feelings hurt, or whether or not those around them will understand just how special they are. 

It's hard to accept the fact that, as parents, we can't protect them all the time.  We learned all of these things when we were kids and our parents were there to pick up the pieces.  Sometimes a kiss and a hug still fix everything and, if not, I'll be there to keep trying.  Love you buddy.

Update

So, I thought I'd update on my progress thus far.  It has been a rough couple of days, to say the least.  I'm hanging in there and I seem to be seeing light at the end of the tunnel as far as my sleeping goes. 

I have tried to be active during the days, and I'm feeling more like myself.  I'm also hoping for a change in Dan's hours at some point in the next few months.  Having a non-vampiric schedule should help as well.  My anxiety and OCD are a daily, if not hourly some days, battle.  I know, barring a miraculous event, it will always be that way. I'm okay with that most of the time.  I find great solace and happiness in my family and friends.  My kids are a riot.  Sydney even tried to put me on time out yesterday.  Too funny.

Until next time....

OCD, GAD, and Insomnia...Oh My!

Well, it has been a while since I have written.  I want to change that, but we'll see if I actually follow through.  I have been suffering from insomnia for about the past two years, since Sydney was born.  I've tried various things and, most recently, I have been taking Ambien to help me sleep.  While this was a wonderful relief for me in the beginning, I have decided to try to get off of it.  I don't want to be dependent on it. 

I know my anxiety disorder requires treatment and I'm fine with that, but my sleeping was fine before I had Sydney.  My anxiety disorder (GAD) and OCD may make it difficult, but I talked to my doctor and they say I can stop the pills without tapering off.  I may have insomnia for a few days, but should get back to normal within a week, hopefully sooner.  Here's to some sweet dreams...hopefully.

Worried About Everything....and Nothing

I guess that title can be totally loaded. As I sit here at the computer during a "quiet" moment, the kids are asleep and laundry is going. My mind is going a mile a minute. I hate when I can't "switch off." Anxiety disorder and OCD are very strange things. You get so caught up in the adrenalline you can't focus on anything unless you make yourself. I feel like I need to run at a sprint for about 15 minutes straight. That's kind of how I feel right now. The weird part is there's NOTHING wrong...absolutely NOTHING. It's not only weird, it's annoying.

When I'm switched "on" there's so much going on in my head and physiologically. Sometimes it can be really overwhelming. Thankfully, I haven't had an anxiety attack this time, those aren't fun at all, but the feeling like I'm all over the place isn't so fun either.

I get so angry with myself and my body when I'm like this. I just wish I could understand why. Why do I have this? Why couldn't I have another (easier) trial? I logically know that if I had another trial it would be just as difficult, but still...a girl can dream right? When I'm in the midst of the panic and anxiety it feels like everything is hightened. I'm hypersensitive to feelings. I'm running around doing everything and accomplishing nothing...that's how it feels anyway.

I need to get back into doing the things that alleviate my stress or my body's percieved stress. Exercise is one of them. I've been so sick for the past two months I haven't been able to go to the gym much. I'm hoping now that spring is almost here and I'm almost completely over my last cold that should change. Right now I'm breathing. Writing has actually helped, as it usually does.

Breathing and focusing on what is going on right now...it might seem simple, it might seem like something some people take for granted, but now I have to revel in the now...