We had a rather "eventful" weekend. Ethan got sick on Saturday night with some sort of stomach bug. It was awful...for both of us. He was pretty much puking like every 30 to 45 minutes until about 3:00 a.m. He seemed okay on Sunday, but not up to 100%, so I kept him home from church and he just took it easy most of the day. I think he's mostly feeling better. He still looks a little pale and his appetite is not fully back yet, but no more throwing up, so that is a wonderful thing. He was even able to go to school today.
Other than the hiccup this weekend, things have been going pretty well. Dan is really liking both of his jobs and the flexibility of the second one. We are making good headway on our goal of getting out of debt. We are spending less, eating in more, and spending more time together as a family. It has been really great for us all around.
Dan is currently working with my dad on rebuilding the engine to his little Mazda pickup truck. It's funny, Ethan always has to go "help Daddy and Grandpa" in the garage. That usually consists of him getting into the cab of the truck and pretending he's driving. It's pretty funny. He gets mad at Daddy and Grandpa when they're done for the day and are coming in. He is such a boy. He loves to figure out how things work and try and help. He is such a smart boy.
Ethan loves kindergarten. He is doing well in school both academically and socially. I thank Heavenly Father every day for the help we were given for Ethan. He has come so far! He still has his anxieties and his days, but he now has the tools to work through them. That's a huge thing for him only being five! I love it. His teachers love him.
Sydney is growing so fast. She knows how to walk now and has been stepping. She would rather crawl most of the time because it's faster. She has this way of getting into something she's not supposed to have and then crawling away at light speed. I'm not sure how she does it so quickly, but it's really kind of funny...most of the time. She likes to steal toys from the dog and vise versa. That's a little weird. She gets mad when he takes his toys back from her. It's a funny dynamic they have. She's saying "Hi." a lot and she says "Hi Sydney." a lot. She tries to repeat what we're saying. She says a lot of peoples names and things. When she says Ethan it's always in a whispery voice. She is such a sweetheart. She loves Daddy so much and cries when he leaves...even when it's just him leaving the room. She knows how to go up the stairs now, but not down them, so that has been an adventure. Hopefully she'll learn how to go down soon so we don't have to gate everything off anymore.
It's time for another week ahead. I think this one will be good. Life is what you make it, right?
Monday, January 31, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Today.
Well, it has been a couple of days so I thought I would write a bit more. Today was pretty good. I got to go see Jenn, Emily, and Zach today for a little bit. That was really nice. It was good to catch up.
I was kind of in a crappy mood later in the afternoon. I swear, the living room can be spotless and then you put Ethan and/or Sydney in the room and it suddenly explodes. That was crazy.
Dan knew I needed to go beat some aggression out so I went to the gym. It was really nice. I would love to get in better shape and lose some weight, but the immediate benefit is that endorphin rush.
You know, I'm sure like any woman, I've always had my body image issues. I used to fret, and I still sometimes do, about it. I try not to as much anymore. It takes some effort, but I think I was spending more effort worrying. I had to make a conscious decision to just not care anymore. I'm trying to take care of myself, eating well, exercising, etc. but I'm not punishing myself anymore if I don't get everything right. I'm living my life. Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a struggle sometimes not to fall back into old thought patterns, but I'm trying. I guess that is what's important.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Thinking...
It's one thing I can never seem to stop doing...I guess that's a good thing. If I'm no longer thinking, I may have had an annurism or something. Sometimes it's not so fun. Right now, I can't sleep, as usual, and the house is quiet. It gets so quiet sometimes even when there are others around. It's like there is a bubble separating me from joining the living sometimes. I know that's probably my depression talking, but nonetheless it's something I feel at times.
Lately, I've been thinking A LOT about people that have passed within the last few years, my mother-in-law Vicki, my Grandpa Page, my sweet cousin Lariann. It just seems that we always just want a few more minutes with them. I know they're around though. I think they look in on us from time to time. It doesn't make me miss them any less though. Sometimes it feels like they just passed yesterday. Other times it seems so long ago. Especially when I think of Vicki, Dan's mom, it makes me sad she's not here. I hope she knows she is missed and that I think of her often.
For Christmas, my sister-in-law Becki and my mother-in-law Linda, Dan's stepmom, finished one of the last Christmas projects Vicki was going to do for all of her kids. She always was doing that at Christmas. She loved to craft. It was so nice of them to finish it. Basically all of them were almost done. Just a few finishing touches. It was almost like she was there. It was so nice to just remember her and her love.
Sometimes I feel those that have passed on around me. Sometimes it's just for a quick "hug", but it's comforting nonetheless. There's nothing like a "hug" from Grandpa when you need it.
Sorry this post is so depressing. I've just been thinking about these things a lot lately. I guess my point is this, remember those that have gone on. Maybe they're not as far away as you think.
Lately, I've been thinking A LOT about people that have passed within the last few years, my mother-in-law Vicki, my Grandpa Page, my sweet cousin Lariann. It just seems that we always just want a few more minutes with them. I know they're around though. I think they look in on us from time to time. It doesn't make me miss them any less though. Sometimes it feels like they just passed yesterday. Other times it seems so long ago. Especially when I think of Vicki, Dan's mom, it makes me sad she's not here. I hope she knows she is missed and that I think of her often.
For Christmas, my sister-in-law Becki and my mother-in-law Linda, Dan's stepmom, finished one of the last Christmas projects Vicki was going to do for all of her kids. She always was doing that at Christmas. She loved to craft. It was so nice of them to finish it. Basically all of them were almost done. Just a few finishing touches. It was almost like she was there. It was so nice to just remember her and her love.
Sometimes I feel those that have passed on around me. Sometimes it's just for a quick "hug", but it's comforting nonetheless. There's nothing like a "hug" from Grandpa when you need it.
Sorry this post is so depressing. I've just been thinking about these things a lot lately. I guess my point is this, remember those that have gone on. Maybe they're not as far away as you think.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
A New Day
Today was a day for beginning anew. I know I'm a bit late in this as it's now the end of January, but it felt like a new beginning. The sun actually poked through the clouds today. I thrive on the life and emotional lift the great star brings. When there are clouds or storms, while they're beautiful, they don't compare to the lift the sun gives.
Dan was off for a bit today so he watched the kids while I took a much needed break. I went and got a haircut. I cut off quite a bit. It's an A line cut. I love it. I took a picture of myself to share. It's always hard to get one that you like, but I'll share it anyway. I really like getting my hair done. It is so relaxing to be pampered just a little bit.
My emotions were a bit all over the place today and Dan is always so understanding. He knows what I need sometimes before I truly know. I was definitely grateful to him today for taking the kids so I could have a break.
Today I'm grateful for new beginnings, an understanding husband, and haircuts.
Friday, January 21, 2011
In Between
I mentioned in my blog yesterday that life is defined by what is "in between." Today was proof of that. I had the stuff I had to do today. My tasks got done. The in between stuff today was good. Dan and I got to spend some time together. We just were with each other. I can't tell you how important and nice that was.
Another in between moment today was when I taught Sydney to say "Hi Daddy." Usually she just says hi to the kitties. I have to say, living in the in between moments, really noticing them, there's nothing like it. Even now, the house is quiet and Dan is sleeping. I can hear him breathing slowly and it makes me so happy to know he is there. I love him so much.
Today was a good day in the in between. I'm so grateful for the recent blessing Heavenly Father has given me to realize and notice the value of these things.
In between moments are the moments that make up a life.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
New Goal...
I am taking a cue from Shannon and I'm going to try to write more on my blog. I might not be as diligent as she has been, writing every day and all, but I want to try. Writing used to be so cathartic to me. I've gotten away from it. It's time to take that portion of "me" back.
So let's see. It's now 2011. I have two kids. Ethan is five and Sydney is just over a year. I love them dearly. Dan and I will be celebrating 11 years of marriage this year. That's a good thing. You know, marriage isn't always easy and it isn't always fun, but it definitely has some wonderful in betweens. Life is all about those "in between" moments. That's where our true lives exist.
Today was not a particularly great day. I've been spending my days at home a lot as of late. We have one car right now and also with Ethan in school it's hard to get out sometimes to see people. I've been sick the past few days, but I think I've finally turned the corner and I am starting to get better...hopefully. I hate feeling like I can't breathe. Sydney and I have the same thing. She seems to be getting better as well. I want it to be warm outside again. I am so sick of the gloomy clouds. It always makes my anxiety/depression worse.
While reading Shannon's blog, she talks about her depression. I just want to let her know that she is not alone on that road. A lot of the things she is feeling now, I have felt/will feel/am feeling now. On the up side, one thing that helps with my anxiety/depression/OCD is writing and getting the feelings out of me. In that regard, writing the blog should be good.
Today was one of those days where everything was driving me crazy and getting on my nerves. Gotta love that. Nothing in particular was different than usual, it was all just driving me crazy. The kids were somehow louder than usual, sleep wasn't as refreshing as usual, there was some crazy smell in my house that I couldn't figure out...it was all driving me crazy. I'm still trying to come down from that hightened "I want to punch something" feeling. Sometimes I feel like an emotional lightning rod. I seem to experience really intense emotion, whatever it is, be it happiness, sadness, anxiety, fear, etc. All of it is so intense. Sometimes I wish I had an off switch so I could just take a break from it for a while. I suppose having no feelings wouldn't be any better though. If you don't know the bad, you won't know the good...isn't that how the saying goes.
As far as my anxiety disorder is going, it's "handled." The funny thing most people don't understand is depression/anxiety is not totally a "will power" thing. It's a physiological one. I have a chemical imbalance that creates this reaction in my body. I try to take care of myself, eat relatively well, go to the gym regularly, and do the things I'm supposed to do for it. Some days are better than others. I still have the insomnia problem occasionally, but it's not as bad as it used to be. The crazy thing about this "craziness" (Dan hates it when I call it that) is that there's no reason for the feelings most of the time. You just "feel" like something is wrong or you "feel" like someone is judging you for something. Most of the time the logical side of your brain knows those feelings aren't valid, but emotions are a powerful thing. Maybe I should try to "master my emotions" like Spock and go for total logic...wait that won't work either. I'm too illogical.
If this sounds like I'm rambling...I am, and that's okay. It's my blog. I hope if anyone ever reads it maybe they will find some sort of kinship with me. Maybe someone is feeling the same way I feel and will know they're not alone. There are good days and bad days out there and sometimes, as a friend posted on their Facebook status the other day, "It's okay not to be okay all the time." We all have our moments. Some last longer than others...some are even longer than this post.
So let's see. It's now 2011. I have two kids. Ethan is five and Sydney is just over a year. I love them dearly. Dan and I will be celebrating 11 years of marriage this year. That's a good thing. You know, marriage isn't always easy and it isn't always fun, but it definitely has some wonderful in betweens. Life is all about those "in between" moments. That's where our true lives exist.
Today was not a particularly great day. I've been spending my days at home a lot as of late. We have one car right now and also with Ethan in school it's hard to get out sometimes to see people. I've been sick the past few days, but I think I've finally turned the corner and I am starting to get better...hopefully. I hate feeling like I can't breathe. Sydney and I have the same thing. She seems to be getting better as well. I want it to be warm outside again. I am so sick of the gloomy clouds. It always makes my anxiety/depression worse.
While reading Shannon's blog, she talks about her depression. I just want to let her know that she is not alone on that road. A lot of the things she is feeling now, I have felt/will feel/am feeling now. On the up side, one thing that helps with my anxiety/depression/OCD is writing and getting the feelings out of me. In that regard, writing the blog should be good.
Today was one of those days where everything was driving me crazy and getting on my nerves. Gotta love that. Nothing in particular was different than usual, it was all just driving me crazy. The kids were somehow louder than usual, sleep wasn't as refreshing as usual, there was some crazy smell in my house that I couldn't figure out...it was all driving me crazy. I'm still trying to come down from that hightened "I want to punch something" feeling. Sometimes I feel like an emotional lightning rod. I seem to experience really intense emotion, whatever it is, be it happiness, sadness, anxiety, fear, etc. All of it is so intense. Sometimes I wish I had an off switch so I could just take a break from it for a while. I suppose having no feelings wouldn't be any better though. If you don't know the bad, you won't know the good...isn't that how the saying goes.
As far as my anxiety disorder is going, it's "handled." The funny thing most people don't understand is depression/anxiety is not totally a "will power" thing. It's a physiological one. I have a chemical imbalance that creates this reaction in my body. I try to take care of myself, eat relatively well, go to the gym regularly, and do the things I'm supposed to do for it. Some days are better than others. I still have the insomnia problem occasionally, but it's not as bad as it used to be. The crazy thing about this "craziness" (Dan hates it when I call it that) is that there's no reason for the feelings most of the time. You just "feel" like something is wrong or you "feel" like someone is judging you for something. Most of the time the logical side of your brain knows those feelings aren't valid, but emotions are a powerful thing. Maybe I should try to "master my emotions" like Spock and go for total logic...wait that won't work either. I'm too illogical.
If this sounds like I'm rambling...I am, and that's okay. It's my blog. I hope if anyone ever reads it maybe they will find some sort of kinship with me. Maybe someone is feeling the same way I feel and will know they're not alone. There are good days and bad days out there and sometimes, as a friend posted on their Facebook status the other day, "It's okay not to be okay all the time." We all have our moments. Some last longer than others...some are even longer than this post.
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