Gone With The Wind - The Book

Well, I finished it, all 1445 pages. I believe it's probably the longest book I've read. I have to say, I can see why this book is revered as an important piece of American literature. I have read Civil War period pieces before, but never from a Southern perspective. I throroughly enjoyed getting into the lives and heads of those characters in the book. I have to say that sometimes Scarlett is annoyingly selfish, but she does grow and change in the book. She meets her match in Rhett Butler, but is too blinded by her childhood crush to see it.

I loved this book even more than I loved the movie. I can see myself reading it over and over again, even knowing the ending. I loved the characters, well most of them....I was annoyed by Ashley, but that's another story. I loved the story line. I loved the history of the book. To read about the battles of Vicksburg, Gettysburg, etc. was facinating. Reading about the fall of Atlanta when General Sherman marched through was interesting as well.

This story starts out with Scarlett as a young Southern belle at the ripe old age of 16. All she has to worry about in life is how many boys she can string along. It ends with Scarlett at 28 going through marriages, widowhood, children, friends dying, being driven from her home, almost starving, and finding her way back up to be able to support herself and her family. Scarlett grows and changes in this book. She is not some romantic character who always does or thinks the right things. She is not very noble and does most things to meet her own ends, but you get a real view into the way we all are sometimes.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who loves literature and a great story. Excellent book!

In Case You're Wondering....

About my last post...I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated with the whole infertility thing. My body has had a child before, why can't it do it again? What am I supposed to be learning from this? Why is it that druggie women who have had four children taken away from them can have yet a fifth drug addicted baby? I don't know the answers to any of these questions and that is what is so frustrating. I guess that's why I'm here on this Earth, to learn answers to questions. I just don't understand why, if He has control over everything, He can't or won't fix this for me. I guess that's horrible to say, but that's how I feel about it.

As for my post yesterday, I had just gotten off the phone with the nurse at my doctor's office. She happily informed me that she would call in my prescription of Clomid with one more refill beyond this. After that, I'll be referred to a "fertility specialist." So the clock is ticking. I do NOT want to enter that world of fertility shots, more drugs, etc. Why can't it just happen?

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for my life. I'm grateful for my family and I'm grateful for my son. I'm trying to see the positive things in life, but that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to feel frustrated every now and then. This world of "unexplained infertility" is not an easy world to live in. The fact is, it's not the world I would've chosen to live in.

The other night Dan and I were talking about this very thing. I think in order to be happy I have to just look at other things. Yes, I can still be upset about this challenge in my life, but it's not good for me, for Dan, or for Ethan for me to dwell on it all of the time. I can't let it take over my life. If I do, I'll be miserable and no good to anyone.

Does this mean I'm giving up on getting pregnant? Nope. I'm still going to do everything the doctors tell me to do. I'm still going to take the pills and whatever else they give me to take. I'm still going to watch and wait and hope each month. I've just got to figure out a way not to get discouraged and devastated each month when it doesn't happen. Will I ever figure that out? I don't know. Again, this life experience is all about answering questions.

I have faith that someday I will be pregnant and have a child again. I know in my heart that someday it will happen. Someday can't come soon enough for me now though. I'm trying to be patient, but it isn't in my genetics to be so.

Here's hoping for some answers...

We're Doomed...

If we suddenly had a nuclear hollocaust today and I was the last woman on Earth...and it was up to me to save the human race....we'd be doomed.

That is all.

My Week...

Besides being an emotional wreck, things have been pretty good this week. I'm on the up swing with emotions one minute and a down swing the next, so either I'm crazy, going to start my period, or pregnant. I have yet to find out which of these are the right answer.

Anyway, my O2 sensor went out in my car this week. I had the dreaded "Service Engine Soon" light come on in my car. The first thought that went through my mind, after the initial dread that the light going on brings, was, "We just serviced the engine by buying a new one? What could it need now?" Anyway, my dad and his friend Frank (who were both awesome for coming over on short notice) came over and hooked Frank's diagnostic computer up to my car. Frank is a mechanic, and a very good one, so I was glad they came over. Low and behold, the computer said that the O2 sensor was out. I had called Big O Tires earlier in the day to find out what it would cost for at least a diagnostic with the computer, $79.99. I said I thought it was my O2 sensor, they said that would probably be around $175, including the $79.00 in that price. Needless to say, I was a little stressed. We just don't have that kind of money right now to plop down. Anyway, after Frank diagnosed the car for us, my dad was able to hook me up with the part for a great price of $45 and Dan put it in this morning. Thank goodness for the handy men in my life. I know that's something I couldn't have done on my own. Now our "dependable" car is dependable again.

We went to the circus on Wednesday night. Ethan had a really great time. He was a little overwhelmed when we first took him in though. It was just too loud and there were lights and stuff. He didn't really remember going from last year, I think. He loved the tigers. He also loved the motorcycles in the sphere. My mom spoiled him, of course, and got him one of those lights. This year, it was the one with the motorcycles in the sphere...he took it to bed with him. It was really nice to go out as a family. Dan hasn't really ever gotten to do anything like that with us before. It's usually just Ethan and I. We had a really fun time. I haven't uploaded the pics from my camera yet, but I'll post them as soon as I do. I think we're going to make the circus a yearly tradition at my house, especially if KSL keeps sponsoring the first night and making all the seats $10. We had really great seats in the lower bowl!

All in all, this week has been pretty good. We've just been hanging out trying to do our normal things. We did the shopping last night at Sam's Club, which Ethan loves. I got to watch the new episode of The Office last night and the new ER, both of which made me immensely happy, especially The Office. Awesome!!!

Here's to praying my emotions stay on the up swing...

Circus fries are yummy!

The 28th Day...

For those of you who have ever had to "try" to get pregnant, you'll know how significant that day is. Though most women don't have 28 day cycles, it's usually the first day people are like, "Okay, I can test now." I was one of those women this morning. Unfortunately, the result was negative. I don't know if that will change in a few days or if I'll get a visit from dear old "Aunt Flo" in a few days. As they say...the waiting is the hardest part.

A littany of emotions evoke themselves when waiting for that little line to appear...or not appear. I know I want to be pregnant. I know I want to add to our family. There's always the initial disappointment when that line doesn't appear. It seems kind of silly thinking about it objectively though...peeing on a little stick and hovering while waiting to see if it will have a line or not, holding it up to the light, looking at it closely at different angles to see if you can even see a hint of a line.

It's been almost a year since we started trying to have another baby. I feel like I'll have more kids eventually, but I'm afraid I won't. That's a hard position to be in.

Each month, as time passes and my body does or doesn't do what it's supposed to do, I wait. I am grateful for what I have though. I can't imagine going through this not knowing if I would ever have ANY children at all. I've been trying to pass this "waiting" phase with various projects, cleaning, excercising, etc. I've been working on being a better "me." I think that has helped me take some of the focus off of my uterus.

Here's to waiting...

Well I Made It...And Dan Did Too

Dan did his first complete overnight shift last night. He's actually snoring away in bed right now. He worked 7:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m. I think it was hard on him, but it wasn't too bad. He has been preparing for this day by staying up late, not until 7:00 a.m. but later than usual. I think that really helped him. He goes in again tonight. Ethan and I will just have a cozy day in the house while Daddy sleeps. I was going to take him to the park today so the house would be a bit quieter, but the weather had other plans.

In other news, I still haven't heard anything about my calling. I figure one of several things could've happened, they couldn't find someone to team up with me to teach, they couldn't find someone that quickly, the primary thought it would be too hard to switch off, etc. They were supposed to let me know what they "decided" yesterday at church, but nobody talked to me and I didn't get a phone call so they're either still working on it and I'll be in the primary eventually or they're working on an alternate calling for me. Either way, I'll be happy. I mean, I can do primary, just not every week. So we'll see what happens.

I made bread again yesterday...we were out and needed some. I think I'm going to go visit Debi this week sometime and bring her a loaf. She just had her new baby, Lucy, on Friday. She is such a cute baby! I'm so happy for them.

Well I Was Right....

I'm getting put in the Primary. I guess it's not so bad. I'm a little disappointed though. The only callings I've had in the 10 years since I've been out of Young Women have been Primary and Cub Scouts....nothing else. One thing that's good though is I'll have to split the class with someone. I'm not going to be able to teach every week. This is because of Dan's work schedule. I have to be able to leave to help Ethan, change diapers, etc. if needed. He has to be available to work every other weekend. One of these weekends will be day shift. He for sure won't be there on those days. The other weekend will be a night shift...Saturday night at 7:00 p.m. to Sunday morning at 7:00 a.m. He seems to think that he might make it to church on those days. I'm really thinking no, especially when we switch to 9:00 a.m. church at the beginning of the year. Maybe he'll make it to sacrament meeting, but I doubt much more than that. He'll be dead man walking.

So I'm not sure where I'm going to be teaching or when they'll put me in, but at least I know what I'll be doing now. I'm actually proud of myself that I was honest about how I couldn't do every week. I was afraid about doing that, like somehow I would be struck down right there on the spot. So I didn't say no to the calling, I just told them that I could serve, with some help. I hope that's okay for everyone around. Hopefully I won't be struck down in the near future. Though I just looked at the weather report and it is supposed to rain tomorrow....hmmm....

It Has Been A While...

It has been a while since I posted. I'm not really sure why. I guess I haven't been that inspired to write as of late. Things are going okay here. Still frustrated with my body, still plugging along with life. Nothing really has changed in that arena. I'm hoping for a baby soon, but sometimes I wonder what life will be like when that happens. I know it will be life changing...a baby always is, but I just don't see how it will "fit" into my life. Ethan is so much in my life right now, trying to divide time between two doesn't seem possible. I know it is though. Moms do it all of the time. I just hope I get a chance to try.

Dan is still enjoying his job. It has been a bit rough this week so far though...I know it's only Tuesday...but he has been working nights this week and he'll be working nights for the next couple of weeks. This is the first real test of that since clinicals in nursing school. Thankfully, this week he's not doing the overnight shift, just working late...next week he'll do the overnight shift. We'll see how that goes.

Well, back to the daily toil...laundry, housework, cooking, you know...all that stuff. I don't mind doing it so much, especially now that I'm caught up and it's not a mountain of laundry, a mountain of housework, and a ton of cooking. Nobody wants to climb mountains of anything everyday...

Yummy ice cream at the fair.

The Bees Are Buzzing...

Well, we got our harvest of honey for this year. We did pretty well. We ended up with about three gallons. We went up to Logan to Mike's house and the boys got the honey out of the hive. Ethan ended up getting stung because some errant bee followed Dan up to the house, but he was okay. Poor kid. I don't think he knew what happened. I love real honey. The stuff in the store is so dilluted...people don't know what they're missing!

Yesterday we went to visit Grampy Keith and Grammy Linda, Dan's dad and stepmom. Keith has a spinner to spin the honey out of the honeycomb. We had a great time over there and had some really good food for dinner. Ethan loved it. He played with the chickens in the chicken run for like an hour and a half! Needless to say, he got a bath...he loved to chase those chickens around. At one point, he was laughing so hard he couldn't even stand up.

So now we have our honey and it is really, really good. I'm glad we have the hive. I've even more glad I don't have to do anything with them. It's Dan's hobby. I just get to enjoy the honey.

Keep Your Temple Recommend Handy

Remember the house in Clearfield I used to live in? This was in my old stake. My sister-in-law, Lisa, sent it to me. She also lived in that house for a time.

This guy is in the Clearfield First Ward, Clearfield Utah Stake and this absolutely happened at a house on Main Street just south of 200 South. Yes, it is a true story. They left the house and rushed right over to the Bishop's office to tell the Bishop, who was Jeff Schofield at the time, and he rolled on the floor laughing. The story in itself is funny but Brother Budd's telling of it makes it even better. He approaches life with a smile and a corny joke and much laughter. Anyway, enjoy.

Hello, Here is some inspiration and humor for you...

By Daryl Zadok Budd, Clearfield, Utah - The Mormons Meet the Metro Narcotics Unit

The Elders Quorum President and I were visiting some lost souls, when they were found by the long arm of the law. As we were preparing to say the closing prayer at the conclusion of our visit we heard someone pounding on the door and yelling, 'It's the police! Open the door!' I thought, 'Oh, that old joke.' Then there was more pounding, 'It's the police! We have a search warrant!' Before this lady's boyfriend made it to the door to open it the police opened the door for him. Into the house stormed ten police officers dressed from head to toe in black body armor. Each gentleman had a submachine gun. When I saw the door burst open, read the word POLICE across the first officers Kevlar vest and saw the large gun that he had I thought, 'This is going to make a great story.' The Officer only got to 'Get on the...' and I was face down on the carpet with my hands above my head in full view. 'Get down on the ground!' The friendly officer again shouted at the President. The only trouble the President had was that the room was very small and had a coffee table in the center of it. There was no available space remaining on the floor, as the rest of us had already 'hit the deck.' There was no room left in the Inn, if you know what I mean. The Elders Quorum President therefore made the mistake of standing up from where he was sitting on the couch and trying to explain who we were. The kind officers did not seem to like this action and one very large officer stepped toward the President who then found himself looking directly into the muzzle of the gun with a bright light shining in his eyes. As the officer placed his finger over the trigger and shouted, 'I said get on the ground!!' The president decided to do so. As there was nowhere else to go, he laid on top of me, his first counselor. I never thought I would need to 'support the President' like that I assure you. I really felt the 'weight of my calling.' We were instructed not to move or speak which was difficult to say the least as I had eaten a little too much for supper and the President is not exactly a small man. After a time the President whispered, 'Are you O.K. down there?' I didn't dare answer. But a few seconds later the humor of the whole situation hit me full force and I started laughing, silently mind you, which made my body shake and the President being on top of me was well aware that I was laughing and thought, 'What in the world could he possibly be laughing at?'

After they got done handcuffing the two closest to us they were ready for us. 'Stand up and keep your hands above your head!' We arose and the officers searched us for weapons. The heroic officers did a much more extensive search of the President's person due to his earlier, 'Non-compliance'.

'Who are you?!' asked the large officer who had gently persuaded the President to get down on the floor. 'We are the Elders Quorum Presidency from a local Ward of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints' replied the President in one breath. The officers looked at each other and their weapons lowered a little bit. 'Do you have any church I.D.?' One officer asked. They gave us back our wallets and we showed them our Temple Recommends and Drivers licenses. Big smiles came onto their faces and they soon escorted us out to our car, wished us a good night and allowed us to drive away with a great story to tell. I knew that my Temple Recommend could help me get into the Lord's house but I never dreamed it could help me avoid going to the 'Big house.' This time the lost sheep that we were hoping to bring back to the fold sadly ended up going to a different pen. I hope that you have a wonderful day!

Sincerely,
Daryl Zadok Budd

P.S. Feel free to forward this story on to anyone that you'd like. It's too funny not to share it because it's a true experience that really happened to me.

One Of My New Favorite Movies

I've always been intrigued by "Gone With The Wind" but have never seen it. I put it on our Netflix list and we watched it last night. I have to say. It's one of my new favorite movies. The acting was great. Everything was good about it, the set design, the costumes, everything!

One of the reasons I wanted to watch it was because of all of the awards it has received. It received a record number of Academy Awards and is one of the highest grossing films in Hollywood...ever...not bad for a film made in 1939.

I have to say I really enjoyed this movie. It definitely is timeless. Dan even watched the whole thing with me, not something he usually does if it's a "girl" movie. If you're looking for a good film to watch, get this one. It's really incredible. You will not be disappointed. In fact, I'll be reading the book shortly.

My Ostrich Wish

Sometimes I wish I could put my head in the sand like an ostrich and forget all that is going on in this world. The past couple of weeks have been especially weird. First we were bombarded with the Democratic National Convention, now it's the Republicans. Granted, I don't really affiliate with any party. I'm more conservative than not, but enough already! They've been campaigning for like a year and a half! I'm so sick of people calling everyone else out saying that they're horrible for being conservative or Republican or that they're horrible for being a liberal or Democrat. I understand that there has to be a party in power. That is the nature of our government after all. I just wish that I didn't have to hear about it every other minute, complete with analysis of every word in every candidate's speech...including their inflection and tone with each word.

Like I said, I'm conservative. All I'm trying to do here in this world is live the best life I can. I try to help others, I try to be honest, I try to do the right things. Obviously that hasn't always happened...I'm only human. We ALL are! I don't want to hear about the kind of celebrities Obama has supporting him or whether or not McCain was funny on that late night talk show...and whether or not your daughter chooses to have premarital sex and get pregnant is not going to dictate whether or not you would be a good leader for the country.

I guess what I'm saying is this...wake up people! We need to help those around us and be kind to one another...not point fingers. I plan on voting, and I will probably vote for the more conservative candidate, but that doesn't mean that I hate liberals or feel I should "convert" them to my way of thinking. It's their God given right to be able to vote and voice their opinion. Just because they believe differently than me doesn't make them horrible people. They just simply believe differently than me.

I only have one final thing to say....get out and vote. I don't care who you vote for...just vote.

I can't wait until election time is over and the war of words stops.

Settling In

I'm settling in nicely to my "new" life. What is my "new" life you say? Now that Dan has graduated and has started working as a nurse, his career, we have so much more family time. It's taken a little bit to get used to. At first I didn't know what to do with myself. Dan has been really supportive and we've been able to have family dinners at the kitchen table. It has been really nice. It's also cheaper and more healthy for us to eat in more...that's always a good thing.

In some ways, I've felt like a single parent for the last three years. Whenever we got to do something fun, like go to the circus or the zoo or even just hang out with friends, it was always (for the most part) just Ethan and I. Dan was usually at work, headed to work, at school, or studying for school. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the importance of all the work he did, but in some ways he really did miss out on Ethan sometimes. My hat goes off to any moms out there who are putting their husbands through school. It's hard sometimes with the kids ALL the time. People don't realize that when the husbands are doing 16 hour days, working full time and going to school, you are too.

So now we're settling in. Ethan loves having his daddy around more. Dan is loving his new job in the cardiac unit. I am just happy to have him home. I'm happy for family time again.

The "C" Word

Cancer....it's a scary word. There are a lot of emotions that go with this word, fear, depression, anger...it's a lot to deal with. To protect the person involved, I'm not saying who, but someone very close to us has recently found out that they have cancer. It's a scary time as they just found out and will be going in to specialists this week. Please keep those afflicted with this disease in your thoughts and prayers this week, especially the one close to us.

Our Weekend

Well, we had a pretty good one. Dan worked on Friday, but had the rest of the weekend off! A first in and of itself. With his job in Home Care, he usually ended up working most holidays. On Saturday, we were lazy and just stayed around the house. On Sunday, it was off to church, as a family! That was really awesome for us because Dan a lot of times would get called out and not be able to stay the whole time or he would have to leave and come back. I also got to visit with the home teachers on Sunday and got to relax. I read my book and just relaxed. I haven't done that in a long time.

Yesterday, I did a bit of shopping in the morning. Later on, Jenny called and asked if we wanted to go to dinner and a movie with her and Moby. We got my parents to babysit and we went to Olive Garden (mmmm...) and to the movies. We went and saw Iron Man at the Sugarhouse discount theater. All in all a really great time. It was really nice to have some adult time with Jenny and Moby without having to wrangle children in between our conversations. We had a really good time!

As for today, I'm back to the daily grind, and Dan is back at work, although he only has to work an eight hour shift today as opposed to a 12. He did have to take my car to work today. I heard the garage door go up and wondered about that. I got a text a little bit later that said his tire was flat so he had to take my car. Oh well. I was just planning on doing some cleaning and stuff around the house today anyway.

Until next time...