About my last post...I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated with the whole infertility thing. My body has had a child before, why can't it do it again? What am I supposed to be learning from this? Why is it that druggie women who have had four children taken away from them can have yet a fifth drug addicted baby? I don't know the answers to any of these questions and that is what is so frustrating. I guess that's why I'm here on this Earth, to learn answers to questions. I just don't understand why, if He has control over everything, He can't or won't fix this for me. I guess that's horrible to say, but that's how I feel about it.
As for my post yesterday, I had just gotten off the phone with the nurse at my doctor's office. She happily informed me that she would call in my prescription of Clomid with one more refill beyond this. After that, I'll be referred to a "fertility specialist." So the clock is ticking. I do NOT want to enter that world of fertility shots, more drugs, etc. Why can't it just happen?
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for my life. I'm grateful for my family and I'm grateful for my son. I'm trying to see the positive things in life, but that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to feel frustrated every now and then. This world of "unexplained infertility" is not an easy world to live in. The fact is, it's not the world I would've chosen to live in.
The other night Dan and I were talking about this very thing. I think in order to be happy I have to just look at other things. Yes, I can still be upset about this challenge in my life, but it's not good for me, for Dan, or for Ethan for me to dwell on it all of the time. I can't let it take over my life. If I do, I'll be miserable and no good to anyone.
Does this mean I'm giving up on getting pregnant? Nope. I'm still going to do everything the doctors tell me to do. I'm still going to take the pills and whatever else they give me to take. I'm still going to watch and wait and hope each month. I've just got to figure out a way not to get discouraged and devastated each month when it doesn't happen. Will I ever figure that out? I don't know. Again, this life experience is all about answering questions.
I have faith that someday I will be pregnant and have a child again. I know in my heart that someday it will happen. Someday can't come soon enough for me now though. I'm trying to be patient, but it isn't in my genetics to be so.
Here's hoping for some answers...
2 comments:
Alesha, I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I've lived in this reality for a long time and know exactly how you feel. At some point in time you will come to terms with it but it is hard and you will be frustrated beyond anything. What helped me most was prayer....not for understanding...but for acceptance, patience, strength and faith that the Lord knew where I was and where he wanted me to be. Just a note....have them check for "premature ovarian failure". That's what I was finally diagnosed with. Unfortunately it's not reversable but at least I know what the problem is and I can move forward with other options (see my blog for more details on that!) Hang in there, call or email me if you need to talk!
I so get the frustration of secondary IF. I am so sorry for what you are dealing with.
As for the clomid I wanted to offer another option. Back when I started clomid my doc would write the RX but it was expensive with my insurance. I found out about www.medsmex.com and was told it was much cheaper from there. They do NOT require a prescription either. I ordered my progesterone and my clomid from them many many times. They are very reliable and prompt and it can sometimes help to be able to take things into your own hands when you need to.
I got pregnant on clomid from there but sadly it ended in a m/c. I was on clomid a little over 6 months.
I just thought you might want to know.
Good luck.
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