The Road Ahead

Have you ever been on a path in life afraid to move forward? Right now, that's where I am. I'm living unaware of what is going on within my body. I know the symptoms and I know the consequences, but as of Monday, I'll know what is going on...and to be honest, that scares me a little.

On Monday, I'm going in to the (DUN, DUN, DUN) reproductive endocrinologist, which is just fancy talk for...hormone doctor. There are symptoms I'm having, I know, as a result of my hormones being out of whack...the least of which is weird sweating and a sudden goatee...okay it's not that bad, but you know what I mean. Also, this hormone imbalance, I believe, is the root cause of me not being able to get pregnant over the last 15 months.

Infertility can really be a touchy subject. I've never been bitter about it, but I've been angry sometimes. I don't get angry with people, I'm more angry about the fact that I even have to go down this road. It comes and goes. As of right now, I'm pretty much at peace with it. I have a hard time every now and then, but if having another child is not in the cards for me, I'm okay with that. I'm happy with Ethan and our little family.

Sometimes when people are in my "situation" they get what Liz lovingly refers to as "baby rage." Basically, they get mad at anyone who is pregnant or has recently just had a baby because that person has what they want and can't have. I've actually heard of this a lot in talking with people. I've heard of friends and family members being afraid to tell others that they're pregnant because they don't want to hurt the "baby rager's" feelings or incur their wrath. I've personally never been that way. When I find out someone is pregnant, which happens a lot with people I know because of my age, I'm genuinely happy for them...and just a teensy tiny bit sad for me. I'd be lying if I said otherwise...and we all know everyone tells the truth on the Internet.

Personally, I know it's not my time to have a child right now. If that time never comes for me, then I'll be sad, but it will be okay. How could I miss out on Ethan's wonderful little heart by sulking in something that I couldn't change? How could I miss out on his little quirks like adopting his Mega Blocks construction worker guy as his "baby" or him telling me that his blankets "really aren't working" when he gets them tangled up? I couldn't do that to him or to me. Why miss out on something so wonderful. He'll only be this little once.

So, on Monday, I go in to this appointment. I'm hoping they'll at least tell me they can fix me or make the symptoms go away. If I get pregnant, so be it. It's such a relief to let go of that control, or percieved control, that I thought I had over this whole thing. It's in God's hands now. He sent me a beautiful little boy who I'm so grateful for (yes, even when he's making me crazy...okay maybe not in that moment but in reflection later). How could I cheapen that gift by worrying about something that I can't do anything about.

For those women out there who are pregnant right now, I'm so happy for you. You're bringing a little one into this world. You get to help guide and direct him, you get to enjoy him, but most of all you get to love him.

As for me, I'll keep my fingers crossed that they can find out what's wrong with my hormone levels. At least then I'll have an answer...not sure if I want one, that's kind of scary, but I think it will be good.